Saying goodbye

Today was a big day for me. Not a big day in the sense of something exciting happening, but today was a milestone for me. For those who do not know I spent the better part of 2014 suffering from Post Partum depression and depression subsequently thereafter. 

I had seen a Therapist since the beginning of my diagnosis. She was there with me the whole way. When I first met her I was hesitant to say the least. Who is this lady and how is SHE going to help me? I mean really? 

 I was in a terrible relationship in my past, I went through a lot of emotional abuse and my mother asked me to see a therapist after the breakup of this relationship. I was less than impressed with the lady who was supposed to help me. When she suggested we burn a few of his belongings as a sense of closure I was done, I thought how hokey. So going in to this therapist I thought, ya sure, what are you going to throw at me here.   

I never knew that first day sitting in her office that this woman was going to change my life. She was going to essentially save me from myself. She brought out a me that I didnt even know I had in me. Now, I have thanked her numerous times, but how do you thank someone for saving you? How do you let them know that what they have done has paved a way to your future that you only dreamed of? 

 When my courses were coming to an end in December of 2014 we talked about the fact that there would be a time to "close" my file. I was terrified, no way! I NEED her. I pushed the thought out of my mind and was not going to think about it again until I had to.

March 23 I started a new job. My depression behind me I was essentially starting out in a new beginning, new job, new me. I felt great. When I told my therapist she was very happy, at the end of the call she brought up when should we decide to close the file. I immediately was hesitant. I cant let her go. Not yet. What if I need her, what if I go back into depression, what if, what if what if. 

We are almost two months to the day we had that last conversation. She called me about two weeks ago. I forgot to return her call until today. I felt joy in telling her how I feel. Telling her how far I have come and that although returning to work is hard for me as I become overwhelmed easily with two little children a full time job and a messy house to take care of, however through everything I learned I believe I will make it through. I smiled the whole time we spoke. Even though I would love love love to see her again, to sit and chat about how happy I am and how far I made it but... in my heart I knew, today I knew, I didnt HAVE to see her anymore.

 I no longer felt scared, I no longer felt hesitant. For the first time in almost a year I felt a definite feeling of certainty. I can do this. On my own. There is a lot of sadness in having to say goodbye to someone such as this. As I write this tears fall from my eyes. She was such a huge part of my life, a huge part of my recovery, she knows all the deep dark parts of my heart and helped me work through them all. Oh if you could show someone a feeling. She would know how grateful I am. 

To this person, 

Thank you for holding my hand through the hardest time of my life, for guiding me to be the person I always wanted to be. The person that was inside of me that I could not see and you could. Thank you for giving me my life back. Thank you for giving me back to my family. There could have been so many people I could have sat down in front of that day and you have no idea how happy I am that it was you. 

 Today is May 27, 2015. I am me again. I feel free from depression and I will continue to persevere.

Have you read my previous post? Click here