Saturday, 19 September 2015

Summer 2015 kicked my ass

The last time I blogged I was complaining. Complaining about my Camping Catastrophe and my back. Well, I can officially say neither has gotten better. 

We did decided to go camping again. Camping take 2. Even my 5 year old was skeptical, "We are going camping again? 

I had wonderful memories when I was a child. Every year we would go. I loved it. I want my kids to love it too. I was bound to make this time different. We were set, we bought a new tent, two new air mattresses (because the last ones deflated) and we were off. The weather was not great. It was cloudy  rainy and cold. Really? Why me? Cant it just be sunny? UGH!!! I was irked already. But never the less we were going. I was gonna make this happen. 

We were getting ready to go, I was going to have a shower before we left and I bent down to turn on the tap for the tub and my back went out. I felt something twang and I hit my knees. I couldn't believe it. Honestly!! I was set that this trip would be different. I was going to be fine. The last time we went camping the air mattresses deflated and I got a pinched nerve in my back from sleeping on the ground. Now my back is out again? I immediately went to the chiropractor before we left. 

I wish I could say that it helped. Maybe it did a little bit. But in the end, I was back to walking bent to the side and not being able to walk far distances. Great!

We got to our campsite and it was raining. We went to the local Canadian Tire for an air pump for the air mattresses because of course we forgot that. I bought one and up to the campsite we went. When the tent was up and the air mattresses ready to be inflated what do we find.... That the pump is electrical, not for the car. All I can think is.... UNBELIEVABLE!!! So after much bitching about the air pump we finally have an idea and my husband walks to the bathrooms where they have a plug in and inflates them there and carries the air mattresses back to the campsite. 

Ok, we are ready to camp. Everything went great. We had a wonderful night. I get in the tent and...... one air mattress is losing air. MOTHER #$#$%#$% I cannot believe it. These are brand new!! What the hell. Ok, so the kids weigh less, they can sleep on one together. 

It was cold that night. To say cold is an understatement, we could see our breath. Thankfully we had my mothers down comforters and even if it snowed we would have been warm in those babies. But I was worried about the kids all night. Did they kick the blankets off, are they covered? Not a peaceful sleep I will tell you that. 

In the morning.......... I could feel the ground. Unreal. Again.. Really? I cant say I was too surprised. Mighty pissed off, but not surprised. I had to get up and go to the bathroom, but with my back completely eff'd up, I couldn't walk there, not even if I tried. I could walk a short distance and was in massive pain. I had to start the car and drive to the bathrooms. Great camping trip hey?

I am not sure if this summer decided to kick the Pajaro's asses but it did everything in its power to do so. 

I have a work phone. I take calls on the weekend. I forgot the phone at home.........

What now? God dammit. Do I drive back to the house for the phone? Do I leave it? (I cant leave it) Its an hour and a half at best back to the house. Thank goodness we were close. I decided, I was going to go back. My husband and kids will stay at the beach for the day, but I will take the 3 hour round trip and go get that goddamn phone. Nobody was happy. But I did pick up the foot pump for the air mattress.

My parents came out to the beach that day. They stayed with the girls and they had a good time. I feel bad I missed out. My mom suggested that maybe she will take the girls back to the city for the night and me and my husband can have a night alone. 

I thought about it. I really wanted this to be a great family camping trip. But lets really look at it here. Its cold, the air mattresses deflated AGAIN and its tough watching two little girls around a campfire. This is no relaxing outing. So, I agreed. Yup, take the girls for the night.

Going back to the campground we decided to pump up both air mattresses. I thought, we will be smart, we will stack them one on top of another. This way, if one deflates a little and same with the other one, we can still be off the ground a little. Well, around 2am my husband decides he has to pee. AND pump up the deflating air mattresses. So as I sit beside the bed, on the cold bottom of the tent he pumps up these crappy god damn air mattresses. 


Air mattresses FLAT AS A BOARD!!!! Both of them. 

To say I was mad is an understatement. Fuck these god damn things. Thats what I was thinking. I was not preparing anything for breakfast, lets get this shit in the car because once again I AM DONE!!

That was it, we camped twice and it bombed twice. 

That is when I really thought about it. I will not do this again. My mind was set, we will get a trailer. Not a tent trailer, I didnt want anything to set up, we had already been through two set ups in the rain. I didnt want anything that would leak to the touch, I wanted to be dry I thought about it alot. And this is where my hunt for the Boler began..

It has been a long hunt for me. Everyday looking for a trailer small enough to pull behind an suv and light. I want a 13 ft trailer. Small!!! All it needs to have in it really is the bed for me and my husband and the two bunk beds for my girls. 

I will tell you. This started off as a fun hunt. I was excited. I was ready. Lets do this. BOLER!!!! eeeeeeee

Its been almost two months. 10+ trailers down, probably 200km+ driving to look at said trailers and still nothing. 

It is amazing how when it comes down to it you really see a lot of junk. I have seen some real piece of shit trailers. I would bring my father along, I didnt know what I was looking for. But now, I think I can officially say that I now know what I am looking for. The last Boler I looked at I was crawling around the garage floor looking under it with a flash light. I am sure the guy thought I was crazy. 

The hunt for the right trailer is a hard one. I want one for my family. I want something small because it is not somewhere I envision us spending alot of time. Lets call it a glorified tent. I dont want to hang out it in. That is what your chairs outside are for. If it rains yes we will have somewhere to go but other than that it will be a place to sleep only. Bolers are cute, but they are also old. I want one not because I want to restore it, or because they are a fad, they are maybe 1000lbs and that is nothing to pull  behind your vehicle. Perfect!! If only I can find the perfect one. 

Problem is, there are many people looking for these small trailers to restore. So if you do not get there fast enough, you are out of luck. I have been driving my father crazy taking him to trailer after trailer. 

I will not go through the camping hell again. Next time we will be dry, warm and comfortable. I will make these trips wonderful for my family. Just need to find the right one. I hope it comes soon. I am tired of looking. 

This is what a Boler looks like. Cute yes. Practical yes. Perfect for me and my family? Hell yes!!!

This is a Trillium, just like a Boler. This is one I looked at. But it just wasnt the one :(

Sunday, 2 August 2015

What a pain in the.... Back?

It has been 10 days since my last post. I haven't had the urge to write at all. I even wondered, am I done with blogging? I just haven't been in the mood. Today I thought about it as I usually do every night and it hit me. I do have something to write about. Something that has been bugging me since my last post. Back pain!!

Now those who read my blog know I hurt my back sleeping on the ground during the worst camping trip ever. You can read that here. I seen a chiropractor since than and discovered I have a pinched nerve. With a few treatments I was good as new.

It is amazing how bad I felt walking into his clinic. I was literally standing crooked. The first time I felt back pain was a year ago. I was putting my baby into her crib and I felt something go snap! That took me out for awhile. I never got treatment for it. I just lived with it until it went away. It came back a few week before the camping trip. While laying in bed I moved and snap, there it went again. Not as bad as the first time, but it was bothering me. It wasn't until I went camping that I really hurt it. A pinched nerve. It is amazing how much it hurts.

The chiropractor scares me. Always has. When I was younger my cousins friend died at a chiropractor. It has never left my mind. But I was in pain. Lots! I spoke to my boss and she was recommended me to go to her chiropractor. She did tell me that she no longer gets her neck adjusted. She said, she started fainting while she was walking. She fainted in the mall once. After a long talk with her Dr she mentioned that she gets her neck adjusted by a chiropractor. He said that this was exactly the cause of her fainting. That in the adjustment of her neck it was breaking blood vessels and she was losing blood flow to her brain. They do grow back but this is what was happening.

I will not say I was not a little horrified listening to it. Jesus Christ! This is exactly why I don't want to do this kind of shit. Being a person who is on medication for anxiety, this isn't what I wanted to hear. But from that moment on, I decided, no neck adjustments! Just that night my cousin and I spoke. I told her about my back pain and how I was going to a chiropractor. She immediately told me no, and reminded me about her friend who died. Um.... I wont lie.... Yup, I was scared now.

However, I went. I was in pain. Lots and lots. I couldn't do anything without feeling the pain. Nothing would take it away. He made a note in my file, no neck adjustments. I seen him twice. After the second time. I felt right as rain. I felt as though I never ever had back pain before. I felt FANTASTIC.

This feeling lasted for about two weeks. It wasn't until this Friday night I woke up in the middle of the night and could feel my back starting to hurt. Nooooooooo I really didn't want this pain back. I knew he told me, you will need to come back 2-3 times a week. And with no coverage at $50 a visit, that wasn't happening. But I guess that is what brought me here. And even with this back pain here again, I can still will not pay $150 a week for a chiropractor. With that being said... I can not wait for Monday so I can call him and make an appointment as quick as possible.

It is amazing how fast it can take you out. I walk like I am 80 years old. There is a burning pinching feeling in my back almost all the time. It feels good to lay down. But god help me when I get up. I didn't think it would come back so quick. Damn.

I am starting to think that it is time for core strengthening. Yoga perhaps. I took my daughters to the beach today and I could hardly do anything with them. It hurt to sit on the sand and make sand castles. I looked forward to it. I wanted to have fun with them. I was hoping to play in the water. But it only felt comfortable to sit. I felt pathetic. I am glad that their Grandparents and their Daddy were there to play with them. All in all it was a wonderful day. But this back pain is becoming a real bitch.

It makes me think.... Do I want to feel this way as I get older? I am 36 years old. It is not too old to start taking care of myself. It is time. I want to be healthy for my kids so we are eating better. Not only do I need to lose some weight, but I also obviously need some core strengthening. I hate to exercise. The thought of it makes me sad. But it is like anything, you need to get in the routine and it isn't so bad. I guess, we will see how it goes.
"Back pain is youth leaving the body"
Have you read my last post Camping Catastrophe?
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Thursday, 23 July 2015

Weight loss woes Week 2

Now I should own up right away and admit that I was too tired to do a week 1. But I am into week 2, we had our second weigh in.

I have to admit that it wasn't too hard of a week. I made it routine. I would have my spinach shake for breakfast. Now it doesn't sound good, but damn, it is!

I take,

1 cup of skim milk
A handful of spinach
1 frozen strawberry
1 frozen cut up banana
5 frozen blueberries
Dollop of Natural Peanut butter

Blend. DELICIOUS!!! Its 4 weight watchers points plus. That's like nothing lol

So that is what I was eating for breakfast. For lunch I would take 1.5 cups of cottage cheese and a tub of veggies. I love love love cottage cheese so I ate that up like a piggy. The veggies are good too. As long as they are fresh. I have been alternating between tuna with no fat mayo on a rice cake. Its actually darn good. But I love the cottage cheese more.

So the first weigh in went fantastic! I lost 6 lbs!!!! I was super happy. Only 589 to go. Ok, not really, but that's what it feels like right? Even with one day of a splurge night I lost 6lbs. Happy as can be. Dinner time is a little tricky. It is the time of night when you come home and you feel like you can eat a dinosaur. I have had to keep my will power super strong for these moments. If not, anything that is remotely edible and tastes ok I will gorge. This includes soda crackers.

I knew I was having a weak moment the first week when we were all eating dinner. I had finished mine. I was sitting at the table with my daughters watching them like a hawk eating their corn on the cob. Maybe one of them wont finish it... Maybe they will not want it anymore... Yes, I was like a vulture ready to jump.

I thought the second week would go just as easy peesy. No such luck. We weigh in on Wednesdays, we were going camping on the Friday. I was ready, I had snacks for us, fruit, healthy food for us to eat. I even bought turkey smokies and we were set. Unfortunately our camping trip didn't go as planned. When we got to the campground to set up the tent it was a mad dash to set it up before it rained. No dice, we didn't make it. It POURED! Thunder and lightning.... just perfect. So while we all were huddled in the car waiting for the storm to pass and the girls say... "Were hungry"!

So what to do what to do? We absolutely cannot make lunch, it is torrential rains out there. Down the road is a golf club café. We drove down there and made it in all a little wet. I look up and I see nothing but fried food and burgers. Just our luck hey. I am starving too. I look at my husband... Great! What now? So, in lei of it being our "Holiday" we decided, ok, lets just eat. There is really honestly nothing we can do about it right now. So, we enjoyed our burgers

Camping did not go well for us. We found out that one air mattress didn't have plugs and only 3 out of 4 could sleep on the inflated air mattress. In the morning the second air mattress was losing air. Long story short, we packed up this shit show and left IMMEDIATELY first thing in the am. We got our refund and we headed out. The girls were not happy, they were hoping for a nice day at the beach. After sleeping on the ground, I was in awful shape and there was no way I was able to sit at the beach all day and play in the water. We headed home and decided to go out for breakfast.

This week was turning out to not be the healthiest week for us. We did not eat great. I mean, we did, it was awesome, but.... We did not eat properly. It was weigh in day yesterday. My husband said "Lets just skip it, we know we gained weight, we ate so bad, so screw it, lets skip it". I will not lie, I thought about it. But that is how we fell of track last time. We thought we could just be bad and skip the weigh in. Nope, not this time. Time to face the music my dear, we are going. It turned out not so bad. Out of the 6lbs I lost I gained back 1.2 of them. I would have rather lost weight of course, but I know I ate bad this week. And gaining only 1.2 back, still a win in my books.

I am on course again. Bad trip behind us, bad eating behind us. I have been on track all week. Lets hope that when Wednesday comes around again there is a little more loss and no more gain. I will keep myself in check! With that woman at the scale and with all who read this. Back to the healthy food. Wish me luck for week 3 :)

Have you read my last post, Camping Catastrophe? Click HERE


Sunday, 19 July 2015

Camping Catastrophe

My husband suggested lets go camping! I thought, what a great idea. We have never taken our girls, 5 & 2 camping before. Lets do this! The only camping site available at the short notice was a walk in campsite. It said 100 meters. He wanted to go.... I called him and said this is the only one available. He says book it so it is now booked and we are ready.

It is not easy getting ready for camping. There are a lot of things to prepare. It is amazing what goes into going camping for 2 nights. The vehicle was packed!!! I haven't been camping in years. I borrowed a tent from my parents, borrowed the air mattress. I was pretty sure we had everything.

The weather the day we left was not good. The forecast said it would rain off and on throughout the day, between 2-6pm there would be a window of just cloudiness. What can I say... It lied!

We got there and it wasn't raining. It looked cloudy, but no rain is great! We got to the campsite. I never expected this when we got there. I really imagined a walk in campsite, we walk just a bit and there it is. What do I see when we get there..... A HILL!! We have to walk up a HILL!!!!! I mean, come on. I was ok with lugging all our stuff out of the car and back and fourth but now, carrying it all up a hill. God dammit!!!

So we walk up to survey this site. It better be good is all I am thinking. We walk up the damn hill and when I get there I can not believe it again.... Good lord it is like a parking lot. We may as well set up in the parking lot. There are no trees, no separation between sites. It is by far the worst campsite I have seen. I am used to camping in a spot where you are somewhat separated from your neighbors, not so close you could eat dinner with them. I was super unhappy.

But this is what my husband wanted, he wanted to come camping. I will not lie, he was NOT happy. He didn't want to stay. I thought, ok, come on, how bad can it be. I mean, we packed up the car, we spent money on things for this trip we are here vehicle loaded. We decided to stay. We brought the tent up and had our dog and the girls running around while we set up the tent. It had been years since I set up a tent, and this isn't a tent I had ever set up before. Meanwhile I hear thunder, I tell my husband, we need to hurry up, its going to storm and we have the tent half up. I can see through the trees that the clouds are dark. All I can think is Jesus we better hurry up. I hear thunder again. So the tent isn't up all the way, I know we did something wrong with the poles, it looks funny. But the clouds are closer now. There is nothing we can do at the moment. Thank goodness we had a big tarp, we threw that over the tent and pegged it down as fast as we could. He had brought up quite a few things while I was trying to get the tent up so those were thrown in the tent and we bailed.

The clouds were almost overhead now, it was dark there was thunder, I was yelling at them to hurry down the hill. We got to the car and in went the girls and the second my husband shut his door it started to POUR!! It was quite the storm. I really didn't think it would rain so much. It was like torrential rain. There was a river coming down the parking lot. Just thinking about it now pisses me off. We sat there for awhile.


Two little girls can only sit in a car so long before the boredom sets in. They were not happy. They were starting to fight, the little one was crying. We decided, we could sit here and listen to this or we can drive across the road to the golf course café and have lunch since we obviously cannot in the rain.

It seemed that after lunch the rain had stopped. I was elated. The puddles outside were no longer collecting raindrops. We packed up and were ready to go back to the tent. The second we got out of the café, it started raining. Not a lot, not like before, but enough. We went back anyways. We sat in the car and contemplated.... Do we leave? My husband wanted to go. Lets go to Calgary he said. Calgary huh.... What about the soaking wet tent we have sitting up there. I wont lie, I thought about it, I even thought, how much is a stupid tent, we could just drive away and leave the damn thing. But then I remembered, we have stuff in it too.

Dammit!! Ok, this was gonna work. I will make this work, it wont rain tomorrow, the sun will be out, we will have a good camping trip! There was a camp shelter with picnic tables and a wood stove inside by our campsite. We walked up the hill and my husband and the girls went into the shelter to stay dry and he was going to start a fire to warm them up. I stayed out in the rain to fix the tent, get it set up property and all pegged down right and to fix the tarp. I looked inside the tent. I couldn't even believe my eyes. There was pools of water inside both front corners.

I brought ONE towel for the girls to share at the beach tomorrow. My husband is gonna lose it..... I sat inside the tent and I figured ok, I am still going to make this work, we will have a good camping trip. I got our coffee cups and started bailing water out of the tent. I got most of it out and used the towel to mop the rest up. Ok, NOW I can start on the air mattress'. I got one set up. Unrolled the other one and I was speechless. This one wasn't like the other air mattress, this one was an OLD one. It was one that needed plugs. I didn't have plugs. We had one air mattress for the four of us.

My husband said that's it. Lets go. But now, we had even more stuff up here, almost all of it. And the air mattress up. I got them all in the tent and made them all lay on the air mattress. 3 will fit. Only 3.... So who sleeps on the ground in a sleeping bag.... Well, I know for damn sure if my husband does we will not hear the end of it. I would rather die than hear him whine. So... I took the ground.

The dog is usually a good listener. Out here, running free he was like "as if I am listening to you". I brought out the leash, and wouldn't you know it. I forgot his collar, so nothing to hook the leash to. Unreal!!! How is this happening to me? The girls are complaining they are hungry and cold. My husband, straight from Italy has camped twice in his life. Does he know how to start a campfire? Not really.... Does he know how to start a campfire with wet wood? Absolutely not. So when I was done with the tent, absolutely soaked through, I started on the fire.

I was almost done with the dog. I forgot he was running around many times to be honest. I was trying to start a fire, I was cold, wet and had two little girls who were bored and stuck in a shelter being bad. This sure wasn't what I had envisioned when I drove out here. I got that fire started, We got warm. They got hungry. So I hauled everything out for dinner and sat at the picnic table and made everyone dinner.

We forgot 3 essential things this camping trip

Air mattress plugs
Dog collar

After dinner it stopped raining. My daughter helped me with dishes and we decided to go to our campsite and make a fire. What a pain in the ass a campfire is with wet wood. Thank goodness my parents took us camping every year of my life as a child and I had made a fire many times or we would have been hooped for a fire. We were finally set to relax. Everything was good, the sun even came out. We made popcorn over the fire and I started thinking, this is going to be ok. We are going to have a good time.

Bedtime. Getting the girls to bed isn't a huge problem. Of course for little girls especially at 2 they are talkative and wanting to play so bedtime doesn't happen immediately for little ones. I cant deny I was uncomfortable from the start. The ground is hard dammit. I was worried for the girls, their hair was still damp and I didn't want them to be cold sleeping. It took about an hour and the baby fell asleep, her sister wasn't far behind.

I started to get cold, really cold!!! To the point I was almost shaking. But lets face it, there was 3 on the bed and dog, there was no room for another. I contemplated going to sleep in the car. But what if some crazy came and knocked on the door while I was there, anxiety me thought of the worst and that idea was out. I wrapped myself up in the sleeping bag as best as I could. I pulled my back and it has been hurting for the last while so laying on my back was out. Laying on my side hurt so bad on my hips. I tried to sleep, oh how I tried. I am sure I laid there a good 4 hours. I fell of and on asleep. I felt their air mattress. It wasn't what it should be, theirs was deflating. The weight of my husband on one side lifted the mattress and the baby was sliding into her sister. Our 5 yr old would wake up and cry to me that she didn't want to be in the middle. Well.... I didn't want to be on the ground. There was nothing I can do at the moment.

I told my husband how awful I felt. He said lets switch. But I knew the level of complaining. No switch. He wanted to go home, he was ready to pack up at midnight and go home. But now? In the pitch black? I dont think so. With the girls asleep we had to ride this out. To top it off there was two couples camping two spots away, so basically right beside us. They were drinking and having a good time. Great! I get it. Camping, its fun, I have been there. But tonight... After the day I had. Listening to them so loud, talking about the stupidest stuff, laughing like there was nobody else in the campground. Am I getting old? Damn rights, I am a mom of two and I went through a shit day, now I am TRYING to sleep on the cold ground meanwhile listening to these people laugh it up and make tons of nosie. I had it, I got up, 2am and walked over to their site. Needless to say after that I didn't hear what they were saying anymore. Finally!!

The night was long, the night was cold, the night was EXTREMELY awful. I had the worst sleep ever and woke up almost not being able to move. They woke up an their air mattress was deflating. I mean this was it, this was the clincher for me. I was done. I wanted to go home. There was no second night in the cards. We couldn't all sleep on the ground. No way! We got up, I thought about it lots. Should we stay the day? The beach for the girls, its going to be a nice day. But... I could hardly walk. My poor back. OMG I was in pain. The ground almost killed me. The beach was out. I felt so bad for them. This was not the camping trip I envisioned for my family. We packed up faster than I can even say, everything was down with a blink of an eye. We really had it. Before anyone else in that campground even was awake we were packed up and ready to go.

Hands down, worst campsite I have ever been to. Worst night of camping I have ever had. Will we laugh about it? Maybe one day. But not anytime soon.

Have you read my last post
Talking with spirits, my story?
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Monday, 13 July 2015

Talking with spirits. Do you believe?

Mediums, psychics, Palm readers. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to know the truth. Is there a special gift. Are these people on tv actors who pretend? Or, are there really a select few that really have this gift? My thoughts banked on the latter. I had no proof however. I did not know a real psychic or medium, so finding out was pretty much out of the cards for me.

Psychic fairs, the run of the mill palm reader... I wasn't buying it. I still don't. I truly believe if you have this gift you are not rolling with the psychic fairs. So, needless to say my money was never spent at these venues.

I love watching Long Island Medium. Theresa Caputo is amazing! I have wished to meet her one day, but I am sure do does half of the world. On her website it said she was booking 2 years in advance. I emailed, I never got a reply. I kind of gave up on the idea. It seemed not overly possible and really, she was the only one I believed in.

To give a little backround info, my husband is of Italian decent. Both his parents passed away before we met. We met online and 6 years ago he moved here to Canada to be with me. We were married the following year and have two daughters aged 2 & 5. When he talked about his parents it was clear he was a mama's boy. I think what Italian boy isn't? But I know from the way he spoke about her, she and him were extremely close. I could see in his eyes, in his emotions he was..... a little broken inside. There were times he would talk as parents passing and I myself would cry just listening. I always thought to IF I ever had the chance to book a reading with a medium, I would do it, I would pay whatever it was, for him... It was all for him.

He never believed. He never had the same enthusiasm I did when I watched the shows. I was enthralled and he was a skeptic if you will. My husband is an atheist to the nth degree and talk about heaven and spirits, well, he wasn't buyin it. I didn't try to convince him. He believes what he believes as do I. Do I believe in an actual heaven with god? No. But I do believe there is an afterlife, not that I think it is in the clouds with fluffy clouds and pearly white gates, but I fully believe in spirits around you. My husband, does not.

I always kept my eyes open. Meeting Theresa Caputo was kinda out of the cards for me so I just hoped one day something would happen. I was on a buy and sell site on Facebook one day and I saw a conversation about psychics and mediums. I scrolled through the comments and saw a bunch of names. One comment in particular struck me. Carmel Baird, she lives in Edmonton, she has the show Moms a Medium.. I really thought.... WHAT?? That is like living in the same city as Theresa Caputo. THIS was possible. I made the call immediately. I booked the appointment. I was hesitant. We do not have money to just throw around. And.... what if, what if this is a point where we are basically throwing our money away.... My Husband is gonna kill me.

I wont deny he was NOT happy I booked this appointment. Even less happy with the price. I lied to him a little to soften the blow, but I fessed up and let him know how much I had spent. The good thing about him is, in all honesty, if it makes me happy, he in the end, is ok with whatever I do. This does not mean he was happy with it, but he knew I was doing it for him.

Our appointment was 6 months away. I could hardly wait. Would it be worth it, would I have wasted my money. What would she say....

I watched her shows in anticipation, I made my husband watch her shows. When the time came we got a call three days before the appointment. They had to reschedule. I was crushed. I waited so long for this. I was dying with excitement. So, I waited. Another two months went by. Near the next appointment we got another call. They had to reschedule again. AGAIN?!?!?! I was shocked to say the least. I was building myself up to it again only to be disappointed. God dammit! So, we were to rebook for this July, 2015.

The phone rang on the Friday, we had the appointment on a Monday. I knew it, without even knowing the number I just knew. I picked up the phone and not a hello, not a hi, I said, please don't reschedule. She told me Carmel was sick and she needed to take some time to rest. She said we could take a phone call reading instead of meeting her in person. I cried!! I mean, how could this be happening? I waited for so long, I paid so much money. I want what I paid for. She explained that we could rebook but it would be into late November of 2015 and than there are no guarantees of her being well. I let them know I would call them back.

I had to tell my husband..... I didn't want to. Not again, not for a third time. I was trying to get him to believe with me, and this is happening. I started to feel like we were being taken for a ride. A phone call? How is that supposed to work? He was furious! I am sure I ruined his day when I spoke to him. He said absolutely no phone calls. He wanted his money back. He wanted me to call back, cancel everything and get the money back immediately.

I made the call. I cried some more. I told her how I didn't want the phone call. I was so upset. BUT... I was not cancelling this. I waited too long and I wanted it!! I wanted it for him. This was happening. I spoke to her about the phone call. She assured me, when she started working for Carmel she was a skeptic, Carmel changed that for her. She told me that many skeptics prefer a phone call as than the person cannot read your body language and such, the things that skeptics feel a person reads while being in your presence. She told me Carmel does readings for people all over the world via phone. It is the exact same thing you are just not there in person.

Ok... I was in. I wasn't fully convinced. I was set on meeting her. I figured you had to meet someone to do this. How am I supposed to know. I mean really. But I said ok. Monday it is, you will call us and we will be there. 10am. Now.... To tell my Husband again. When I did, he was obviously not happy. He said no phone calls, he said to get our money back, but...... I was doing this, for him and I wasn't taking no for an answer. I told him, what they explained to me on the phone, and we both waited for Monday to come.

I have to admit, I was a little off put by the whole thing. A phone call.... please! But 9am we took our children to Grandmas, got ourselves some healthy McDonalds breakfast and waited for that phone call. I was so nervous. But oh man I was excited. What would happen? Would we be believers or would we think, what a effin scam. Time was to tell. Tick tock tick tock. Than the phone rang.

We answered the phone and she introduced herself and we did too. She explained to us how it will work that spirits will come in around her and us and she will read from their energy. Um.... ok. Lets do this. She asked me if my Grandmother on my Mothers side passed. She  did. She said she is coming forward. She than asked if my Grandfather on my Dads side had passed. He did. She said he is coming forward.

She than asked my Husband if his Mother had passed, she said she is coming forward. And she asked if his Father had passed. They both have. She said first thing to my Husband, would you say that you were Moms boy? She says Susan, you have never met his mother have you. I have not. She says to me, she looks at you and says I approve of you. And she thanks you for taking care of her son. Nobody knows this, but I would sit in my room sometimes and sort of talk to his mom. I never met her. I always always wonder if she would think I am good enough. I have asked her a lot "Do you approve of me". So that being one of the first things she says his mom said to me. I was a little shocked.

She asks my Husband, does your mom speak another language? She did, she was Italian. She says, your mom is speaking a mile a minute. She said to my husband, your Father says "He loves you and he is proud of you", "Im sorry I didn't say this more, I should have said this more to you", she said, he says "At times in his life, he was a man of few words, I often didn't know how to say things I wanted to express to you". She asked him if this makes sense. From everything he has ever told me about his father she nailed it!!! It was a little surprising.

She said to my husband "Your Father wants me to talk about your placement you have in the family" she said, there is something special about your placement in the family. She says, you're the only boy". He is.

She said did either one of them have problems with their stomach? My Husband said his father. She said did he always have heartburn and stomach problems, acid reflux"? He did!

And to take in mind, these are people who lived in Italy their whole life and spoke only Italian.

She asks "Who is the Gardener? Who likes flowers? She said, when I asked "what are you doing in heaven I heard Garden and flowers". My husband always talked about his mom loving her garden and planting her flowers. I remember these conversations, so when she spoke of this it made me smile. The next thing she asked is, who lives in a condominium or townhouse? We do.... She said "Your mother says more flowers, more garden". The funny thing is, this year, I decided not to buy flowers. I usually do, I just didn't this year.

She said "You mother wants to talk about the month of February". It was the month she passed away.

She says "Did you and your Husband meet online"? Because your Mother says "And on the computer he meets his wife!!! and on the computer!!!", she said, like she cant believe it and she laughed.

She says "They want me to talk about a Birthday that is coming up". Our oldest daughters birthday was the next day. She also said "who plays the music all the time?", my Husband listens to Heavy Metal music ALL the time. He was in a Heavy Metal band before he moved from Italy to be with me. She said, your Mother says "I love to hear the music"....."Its not the kind of music that I would like to hear, but I love to hear YOUR music". I loved that!! Truly.

She talked about my Husbands mother saying how we should go back to Italy, and she said "Your mother talks about you talking to their pictures and honoring them". When we were in Italy, his parents are in a cemetery, but not in the ground, they are in a wall, and what you see on the face of their wall square is their pictures. When my husband goes there, I leave him for a bit and he talks to them. Talks to their pictures.

She than asked my husband "Do you have problems with your knee?". Your Mother says you need to take care of yourself. I am not sure if anyone knows this but me and my husband this past December we went to Banff for a little getaway. When we were in the hotel we were playing around and I pushed him off the bed, he hit his knee. Ever since it has bugged him off and on. I don't think he has told anyone that his knee bugs him, except for me.....

She said to us "She says I saw what you wrote for me". I asked her to elaborate. She said "She says thank you, I love this". She asked me, did you made a plaque, or something for her headstone? Now this was the clincher for me. Since we waited a year to see or hear from Carmel, when Christmas came around I picked up a wooden heart from the craft store. painted it and wrote on it, in Italian "Thank you for raising your son to be the man of my dreams". We sent this to Italy in a package for Christmas. The ONLY people who knew this were me, my husband and his sisters family in Italy. I asked his sister to hang it on her headstone.

She said to my husband "Did your mother not drive?". Because she said "Your mother says, if you ask me what I am doing in heaven, I am driving all over the place. She said, "She is much more independent, and your father is the quiet one now. She says I am the boss now." His mother did not drive!

She says, was the house that your mother lived in, you sold that correct. She said "you did all of the right things after our passing". They did sell that house.

I asked her before we hung up "Does his mom have a message for his sister?". She said "She wanted to tell them all she loves them and misses them. She talks about her Rosary or necklace. She says to tell her, "I am in the garden with her".

We had many more messages. I wanted to share the ones I loved most. He asked questions, he got answers. But it would be a long long post if I wrote it all.

I walk away from this knowing from what I experienced, it was real, she was real. You cannot fake things that nobody else knows.

I remember them telling me on the phone, if you take this call with Carmel, I guarantee you will be happy after the call. I know you are unhappy now, but you wont be after the call.

I can wholeheartedly say, I would take another call in a heartbeat. Was it worth the money? Absolutely!!! The peace that my husband has within his heart was worth more than that. I would pay the money again in a heartbeat to do it again. I was a believer before, now I have my own proof.

My husband.... Is he a believer? I think its hard for him to admit. But he will say, he knows what happened to him that day. Was it real? Yes, it was. And that to me is enough. He knows, it was real, she was real. And it gave him peace within his heart.

Have you read my last post Weight loss woes, Day1? Click here to read


Thursday, 9 July 2015

Weight loss woes Day 1

We did it. We signed back up to Weight Watchers. Not for their celebrity commercials or promise of you can eat what you want. I decided that what I really needed was accountability. Not to myself, obviously that is an epic fail. My Husband and I feed off of one another. If one is weak we pressure the other to do what we want, not that it is all that hard. Twist my rubber arm right?

So stepping on the scale I have a long road ahead of me. But I am ok with it. It is only day 1 anyways right? ;) I have decided that exercise, well.... I am not a fan. I can watch what I eat, being accountable to the Matriarch at the weigh in table.

So I wake up feeling refreshed, I am ready to do this. I have my new blender for smoothies and we are set. I think there is something to be said about first days. They don't always go as planned. I know mine sure didn't. I literally opened this new blender, the last one I burnt the motor out trying to blend carrots. Ya, I know that is what a food processer is for but if you don't have one, you improvise, and..... burn out motors. So anyways, I open this new Ninja blender. Happy as can be I try to put it together. It is not like other blenders, this baby is fancy schmancy. It took me and my mom fumbling around with it to finally get it to work. Lid locked and loaded and I was ready. I didn't put enough milk in and I got a frothy foamy mousse like drink. It wasn't pleasant. I usually love my morning smoothie. I am pretty sure I gagged a little at this one.

With my foamy mousse in my belly, I grabbed a bag of carrots, peas and cottage cheese out of the fridge and some pineapple and I was ready. When lunch time came I opened my bag and looked inside. I thought to myself.... wtf, I didn't even put it in the containers, I just grabbed the whole bag and off I go? Ok, so be it. I wasn't thinking this morning.

I grab my bag of peas first, I open them and they I was like, dammit, I wanted these, as I scan the bag for the expiry date. Two weeks off the expiry date. Ok, so we don't clean out our fridge regularly. I open the bag of carrots. They too look a tad old, I try one. It is OK but that is a stretch. So I figure, ok I will open the cottage cheese and I will be ok here. I open that, and after my two vegetable fails I take a sniff. REALLY? This too? So I scan the container for the expiry date. Yup! Expired.

Did I mention that we just went grocery shopping the night before and picked up all new fruit and vegetables? Here I am just happen to be choosing all the expired food in the fridge. Just my luck hey. So I grab my pineapple. I bought the pre cored pineapple from the store. I open it hoping to pull out a slice because I know that at least this is still good. Its not the sliced kind... So I just hack into it all pissed off that this is how my lunch has turned out.

To my great delight I remembered that I bought a frozen pasta and stuck it in the freezer at work and then that day went out for something a little better than a frozen microwavable pasta. I was so happy as I opened that freezer door, nobody had eaten it. We all know how some office people can be. If it is there too long they think its free game. So I happily ate this microwavable meal. Yum!

Coming home I felt like I could eat a dump truck of food. Not only am I watching what I am supposed to eat, everything I could have eaten I brought to work only to throw away. I decided, I am going to make Pesto Pasta with chicken. I am psyched, this is gonna be good. With eating almost nothing for lunch I still had quite a few points for supper so the pesto in moderation wasn't going to be a problem. Checked the cupboard,

pasta - check

chicken - Mother @#$%@#%!!

So maybe we are not the greatest shoppers out there. We forgot to get meat. So.... Here we are on our first day of healthy eating, packing everyone into the car for a restaurant meal. There is however a great place to eat chicken and rice and it will still fall well below any points that you would usually eat, eating out. So although dinner at home turned out to be a bust, it was a darn good dinner and good for us.

I hope to lose some weight this week. Weigh in is Wednesday. I hope you stay with me for my little journey. It can only get better from here right?  ;)

Have you seen my last post, Fuck you, Mental illness? Click here to read it

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Fuck you, mental illness!!

Depression.... It creeps in like a noxious gas. You don't see it, but you damn sure feel the effects. This January I overcame depression. I would like to say that once you overcome depression you are out of it forever. I hoped, oh I hoped. I have been happy for quite a few months. But I sure do feel it creeping in. It starts out just that little bit.

You think, ok, sure work can get stressful and life with children too, and this and that. But I know the symptoms now. I lived it. The intense lack of patience. The irritability. They go hand in hand for me. Is it coming back? Absolutely it is. However I lay here thinking tonight.... It isn't that I need more pills, or more therapy.

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Being a child with anxiety I was the first one to catastrophize things in my head. I suffered a lot throughout my life with anxiety. Having depression and anxiety is devastating.
I have learned the tools, I have learned the essential dynamics to keep depression at bay. Why is it creeping in..... After 34 years of coping mechanisms and than suddenly learning a new way at 35 it is easy to fall back into your old habits. To be that old person that you used to be, letting things slip. Thing is.... I can see it now. I see it happening before me.

My husband said to me today "I am tired, tired of working everyday, coming home and going to sleep and than going back to work, I am doing nothing". I think this is a perfect example of how we let ourselves slip. To me, anxiety works overtime. My mind is constantly thinking of what can go wrong. I am always in the negative. With depression creeping back in I am irritable and angry as well. Everything makes me mad. The things I loved are slowly slipping away. It has been getting farther between blog posts. A one time enjoyable thing to me has become something of a chore. I don't find the pleasure in it at the moment I once have. Tonight may be different as it is an outlet for my thoughts.

I once was ashamed of depression and anxiety. Trying to be the strong person who can handle it all. Well, this time around, I am letting all know it is creeping back in. Not for pity, not for encouragement. For me to let people in. I find that depression is horrible for blocking the whole world out. My boss asks me every Friday "What are your plans for the weekend?" my answer is always the same. "I don't have any plans". The first time I said this he remarked that it is important for one to have plans in order to look forward to something. I think he was on to something here. With my husband feeling the way he does, and I knowing the impending doom if I do not whip myself back into mental shape, I think little things like plans are exactly what we need in our routine of nothing.

A few weekends ago it was a scorcher of a day. It was the hottest day it has been in years. We made plans. We were going to take our daughters 2 & 4 to the Downtown core at City Hall where they have this enormous wading pool. We would get them ready and take them down so we can beat the heat staying cool, playing in the water.


I have to admit. It was probably the best weekend I have had in a LONG time. It wasn't a sit around do nothing take a nap lay around weekend like it usually is. We went out, we all had fun, we went for lunch after, we had a WONDERFUL day. I absolutely loved it. The girls loved it. After a bit of coaxing to get their daddy in the water, he too loved it. So I think that as much as we are not planners..... Better now than never to start being planners I think.

I will not let depression take me down like it did last time. I remember feeling happier than I had been in years. I remember what I did to get there. I will work my ass off to do it again. What did I do? I took care of myself. I watched my weight, I watched what I ate, we got out of the house, we took the girls out, we walked, I went swimming, I had...... fun!

In the state my mind takes me, it is harder than ever to get moving. However...I don't want to go back down the well where I felt crawling out was near impossible. I will get myself back, maybe a better me. Look out world because I wont let it take me down I am coming back.You can bet on it!

This picture is an exact representation of how I feel at this very moment!

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender...

I have been in a bit of a slump. Unsure of what to write. Not feeling inspired by anything. I can browse through hundreds of blog topics and not a single one speaks to me on any level enough to write about it. I look at some of them, what's in your bag..... Really? Does anyone really give a good god damn what's in my bag? I highly doubt it. So sitting here thinking tonight what is on my mind... I find that the only things I like to write is what rolls through my head. So this here, is what is rolling through my head.
Scrolling through Facebook the other day I saw a picture. It was a courageous picture. This picture stuck with me and I thought about it tonight. This is what I will write about. My feelings on this topic. This is the picture.
I love that people stand up for what they believe in. I love that our world is becoming more accepting. But we have a long ways to go. I think what stuck with me is the first sentence. Penalty for being gay is death.... Wow. I mean, it is not that we all are not aware that these extreme laws exist in certain countries. It sat with me because it makes me sad. Sad that we live in a world where you cannot be yourself in fear of death.

I am not a religious person. I did not grow up that way. I have never sat in a church, I do not know the bible's way of teaching. I will not bring my children up religious. I am not against religion. My belief is that people need hope. People need to believe in something. A higher purpose. If that makes them happy, well so be it. I am however against religion when it comes to hate for others because your religion says so. 
Being gay isn't a choice, being a bigot is.

I once had a boss who came to me and asked me to sign a petition. I read this petition and it was a petition against gay marriage. He was going around work asking people to sign it. I refused. He was my boss, but I was not about to sign something I don't believe in. I am not and was never against gay marriage. My thoughts are, why is it anyone's business who someone marries? I mean really? Does anyone out there care who I am married to? I bet zero of you do. I think that's why I don't understand how people are against it. To me, it doesn't affect you as a person. So who cares what someone else does. To me, it makes no sense. So that day, I refused to sign that petition. My boss looked at my like I was nuts. I told him straight out, I am not against it. And that was that.

I have seen articles and people write things like "How do I explain Caitlyn Jenner to my child". Easy, you just do. When the day comes to explain to my children I will explain it as I do why the sun shines, why does the wind blow. It is just a part of life my dear, some people love men, some people love women, some people want to be women, some people want to be men. I fully believe it is only difficult if you believe it is. For me, I welcome the day when they will ask me such questions.

People have asked me "Will you be upset if your daughters tell you they are gay"?. Upset?... not even a little bit. I would be concerned for her and by that I mean, in this world, if you are gay I feel you are immediately dealt a harder hand because of society and its views on gay people. I would be concerned that as my child goes through her life I want her to have a fair shot no matter what people think of her sexual orientation. I would worry about the stress it causes because of other peoples views on what gay is or should be. As my daughters grow I hope to raise them with values and respect for everyone. No matter if they are gay or straight I want them to accept and know they have a right to be accepted.

My Sisters best friend in the whole world is gay. She and her wife are some of the best people I know, I love when they are around. I love them both. My Sister told me she was worried to tell her that she was gay, worried in turn as well as to  what I would think. I wish she never even gave it a thought. I think she is and always have thought she was a fantastic person to be around. When I was a teenager and now. To me, she is not "gay" she just is who she is. This is the way we should look at everyone isn't it? I am sure she doesn't think of me as Straight Susan lol.

My thoughts on Bruce Jenner / Caitlyn Jenner. I think she is brave. I can only imagine the feelings of being stuck in the wrong body. I feel so sorry for people who have to go through that. I am glad that there is a way to change that for them these days. I think that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing role model for so many people. Having to make this life decision is hard enough but to do it in front of the whole world. That is one strong woman! I didn't think I was interested in the whole fuff about Caitlyn Jenner, until I watched the interview. You hear her thoughts and feelings and the real emotion behind it all. It was powerful and I felt for her. I can only hope that it paves the way for more acceptance.

So when my children come to me and ask me what is gay? The answer is simple. This is life my little darlings. When we complicate it, it becomes complicated. It isn't. This is love people. Simple!
Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, People!

Have you read my last post?
Rides love em or hate em?
Click to read here


Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Five years of pure love

She turned five today. FIVE! 

I still remember finding out I was pregnant. The surprise of it all. I dont think I was ready to become a mom. But here it was on the little pregnancy stick telling me, yup, ready or not, you are becoming a mom. 

She came into my life 2 hours before my birthday. 10:04pm is when that little angel arrived here for me. When she was born they took her to clean her up and something was wrong. A lot of nurses were crowded around her. Something was happening to me and I was in pain I had people around me. But I knew something was happening with my baby. They said she wasn't getting any color. She was white. They were just about to take her away and do tests and they said give her to her mom. They put her on my chest and it was almost instant. She got color to her. That is where they left her. My little baby girl. On my chest with me. 

This is the first time I held her. 

I can not imagine a better child than I got with Abigail. She didnt cry like other babies. She hardly cried as a baby. She slept great, she even overslept. I got to sleep in my whole maternity leave. Who can say that? As she grew she became her own little person and even in the terrible two's she never had tantrums. She.... is my little angel. She is such a good girl, and continues to be to this day. She has a kind heart and she has lots of love. 

I couldn't be happier that she is my child. I couldn't be happier that I got to be her mom. The world brought me this little girl and she has changed my whole life. She has made me a better person. She has given me love and shown me love I never knew existed before her.

 I am forever grateful to have you in my life. You are my life, my baby.

Ti Voglio tanto bene amore

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Rides, Love em or hate em?

I am not a fan of hot weather. To say that is an understatement. I hate Summer. Always have. With Summer comes the bugs, the bees and ughhh the heat. Today was one of those ughh days. It was 30 degrees celsius. I did not want to go out in the heat. Not even a little bit. But I also didnt want my children to be stuck in the house all day on such a ..... Nice day (for others). I was supposed to go to the beach to visit with my Sister who is camping this weekend. We however got a call from her saying the beach is beyond disgusting, full of bird poop so bad she is gagging. Um... ya, beach out. So off to the park we went.

Walking across the field I think to myself, geez, even the grass is crunchy, damn this heat. Looking ahead my 4 year old says "Mommy, there is nobody at the park". "Nope there sure isnt" I say, thinking to myself (Who in their right mind would be standing in this Sahara desert bullshit, that's why there is nobody at the park) Everything in that park was hot. Their poor little bums on the swings. But as kids they endure it. They dont mind, they want to play. Me... I wanted to dive for the shade, hide from this blaring sun. But I pushed them both on the swings and we played until they were too hot to go on. Yay for me.

Our plans for the next day included a trip to a small carnival that we saw in a shopping mall parking lot some days ago. I told our 4 yr old if it is still there this weekend we will go. Out tonight we passed said parking lot and it in fact is still there. I thought to myself. The night is getting cooler, the clouds are blocking the sun, it is still hot as hell, but the sun isnt beating into my soul like it was earlier today at the park. Why take them tomorrow when it will be even hotter (god help me) and the sun will be out in full force. Lets go now!

Not that me or my husband we too fond of this idea the girls were quite thrilled. Our 2 yr old was happy I believe only because her sister was happy and she is all into doing whatever her big sister does at this moment. So she is happy, so is the little one. We paid for our tickets and we are ready for this little evening fun.

They quite enjoyed their first ride. Unfortunately our youngest was not happy at the end and more than ready to come off. This little helicopter ride only our oldest was to go on. But the little one wanted to as well. The lady said sure if she went on with someone. I offered my husband up instantly (hehe). Well, that backfired because than they both wanted to go on with us. It never occurred to me that I would have to go on a ride. Dammit all to hell. lol. I HATE rides. I don't care if it is a little baby ride or a big ride. I haven't been on these rides since I was a teenager and I am well past that. So I climbed into this little purple helicopter pod for my girls. We rode around and around and around, spinning rides are the ones I hate the most. Get me off them immediately. I was so more than ready to come out when the ride stopped.

We got a snow cone and played the dart game and won the girls their little stuffed animal they will never touch again $10 well spent right there. But I always remember how I felt as a kid. It was fun, it didnt matter that the stupid stuffed animal was not fun after you won it, it was that you won it!

Of course the snow cone comes back to us parents as the kids only want to hold it for so long. My Husband says to me "What is this thing?". I say to him "What, you have never had a snow cone?". I mean, seriously now. I know you grew up in Italy and have only been here 6 years but what in the mother lovin hell... Hasn't everyone had a snowcone? I quite enjoyed the snowcone. Yum!

So as we are driving home it occurs to me. Shit!!! This is just the beginning. This isn't even the BIG exhibition. What happens when she wants to go on the big rides, I know sure as shit her father isn't gonna go as he hates them as much as me. What to do... These kids are only going to get bigger and want to go on rides and god forbid with us... So I devised a plan. These kids will want to go on every ride someday. I hate all... So what shall I do. It hits me! When these kids get bigger and they want to go on rides, I will buy 3 tickets. Two for the kids and 1 for my Sister. She loves rides more than anyone I know. And there we have it. Problem solved :)

Have you read my last post A missed opportunity? Click here

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