Fuck you, mental illness!!

Depression.... It creeps in like a noxious gas. You don't see it, but you damn sure feel the effects. This January I overcame depression. I would like to say that once you overcome depression you are out of it forever. I hoped, oh I hoped. I have been happy for quite a few months. But I sure do feel it creeping in. It starts out just that little bit.

You think, ok, sure work can get stressful and life with children too, and this and that. But I know the symptoms now. I lived it. The intense lack of patience. The irritability. They go hand in hand for me. Is it coming back? Absolutely it is. However I lay here thinking tonight.... It isn't that I need more pills, or more therapy.

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Being a child with anxiety I was the first one to catastrophize things in my head. I suffered a lot throughout my life with anxiety. Having depression and anxiety is devastating.
I have learned the tools, I have learned the essential dynamics to keep depression at bay. Why is it creeping in..... After 34 years of coping mechanisms and than suddenly learning a new way at 35 it is easy to fall back into your old habits. To be that old person that you used to be, letting things slip. Thing is.... I can see it now. I see it happening before me.

My husband said to me today "I am tired, tired of working everyday, coming home and going to sleep and than going back to work, I am doing nothing". I think this is a perfect example of how we let ourselves slip. To me, anxiety works overtime. My mind is constantly thinking of what can go wrong. I am always in the negative. With depression creeping back in I am irritable and angry as well. Everything makes me mad. The things I loved are slowly slipping away. It has been getting farther between blog posts. A one time enjoyable thing to me has become something of a chore. I don't find the pleasure in it at the moment I once have. Tonight may be different as it is an outlet for my thoughts.

I once was ashamed of depression and anxiety. Trying to be the strong person who can handle it all. Well, this time around, I am letting all know it is creeping back in. Not for pity, not for encouragement. For me to let people in. I find that depression is horrible for blocking the whole world out. My boss asks me every Friday "What are your plans for the weekend?" my answer is always the same. "I don't have any plans". The first time I said this he remarked that it is important for one to have plans in order to look forward to something. I think he was on to something here. With my husband feeling the way he does, and I knowing the impending doom if I do not whip myself back into mental shape, I think little things like plans are exactly what we need in our routine of nothing.

A few weekends ago it was a scorcher of a day. It was the hottest day it has been in years. We made plans. We were going to take our daughters 2 & 4 to the Downtown core at City Hall where they have this enormous wading pool. We would get them ready and take them down so we can beat the heat staying cool, playing in the water.

 

 

I have to admit. It was probably the best weekend I have had in a LONG time. It wasn't a sit around do nothing take a nap lay around weekend like it usually is. We went out, we all had fun, we went for lunch after, we had a WONDERFUL day. I absolutely loved it. The girls loved it. After a bit of coaxing to get their daddy in the water, he too loved it. So I think that as much as we are not planners..... Better now than never to start being planners I think.

I will not let depression take me down like it did last time. I remember feeling happier than I had been in years. I remember what I did to get there. I will work my ass off to do it again. What did I do? I took care of myself. I watched my weight, I watched what I ate, we got out of the house, we took the girls out, we walked, I went swimming, I had...... fun!

In the state my mind takes me, it is harder than ever to get moving. However...I don't want to go back down the well where I felt crawling out was near impossible. I will get myself back, maybe a better me. Look out world because I wont let it take me down I am coming back.You can bet on it!

This picture is an exact representation of how I feel at this very moment!